


It's A Funny Story...

by OfButtsAndBombs



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, How Do I Tag, Idiots in Love, Mistakes, Oops, So Married, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Wedding Rings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-27 15:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20950970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfButtsAndBombs/pseuds/OfButtsAndBombs
Summary: It's one of those things that can happen to only Jake and Amy. You would shake your head and say 'Classic Jake and Amy'. For anyone else, you would be like, 'ew,what?' But for Jake and Amy, its just...typical Jake and Amy.





	1. Mistakes and Metals

**Author's Note:**

> This is a whackjob of a fic that I greatly enjoyed writing!

It's the bright light shining through the windows that causes Jake to wake up with a start. Rubbing his face, he turns to the clock on the side table and squints his eyes to make out the red digits.

_9:45?!_

He sits up with a jerk, panicking.

_Nine freaking Forty Five!?!?!_

A few years ago, Jake Peralta would have classified 9:45 as pretty early. If it was his day off, he'd have slept a couple more hours.

Now, after having kids, 9:45 is HELLA LATE - 

Speaking of which, he realises, the house is so quiet and still, in a way it hasn't been in years. Not since Kit was born. 

_Where then, are his wife and kids?_

_I've travelled time. _He muses to himself, unnerved. _I'm in the past_. He feels content and well-rested, but that can be because this was the first time in a long time that he's slept almost 10 hours at a stretch - or could it be because he was 27 again?

However, he does feel a bit uneasy. _Seriously, where was everyone!?_

It's a Sunday, he remembers. But normally, Sundays at the Santiago-Peralta household start well before 9:45, at like, 6. It would usually be the 10-month old, crying and hungry. If not the baby, one of his daughters would definitely manage to have a bad dream, or be cold, or get hungry, and manage to wriggle between him and Amy, effectively waking them up.

Not that Jake was complaining. Waking up to his kids was a joy in itself, and seeing their sleepy morning faces asking to be cuddled makes him feel all choked up. 

He wanders through his apparently empty house in a daze of confusion, picking up stray toys at random (Cleaning up - what had Amy done to him?) There was no way a house with three kids (plus one Jake) under the age of six could be this quiet, at any time of the day or night. 

_"What the hell?"_ He mutters to himself nervously, going back to his bedroom to phone Amy - 

He hears the front door opening and promptly makes his way back to the living room, only slightly frazzled by how he was starting to feel a bit scared at the silence.

Amy enters, her hand full of bags and wearing a big smile. "Jake! You're awake! I thought I'd let you sleep in for a while, before we start our special day." She beams at him.

Jake just stares at her in confusion, moving forward to help her with the bags. "What? What special day? Where are the kids?"

She makes a face. "Don't you remember?" 

He goes through a mental list, quickly as possible for someone who's woken up barely fifteen minutes ago - birthdays, anniversaries, appointments: significantly increased in number in the past few years by his rapidly expanding family. He comes up empty. "Ermmm...no?"

"Its June 18th!" She looks at him expectantly. 

He matches her pout with one of his own. "Ames!! C'mon!!!"

She pokes him in the side as she moves past him. "Think, Jake, think."

He groans, following her into the kitchen. "It's too early to think, babe!"

"Early? Its 10!"

"But- ! Okay, that's fair."

On an average day, by 10 AM  
Jake and Amy would have : woken up, made breakfast, ate breakfast, awakened the kids, fed the kids, washed the kids, packed lunches, gotten ready, gotten the kids ready, dropped off the kids wherever they needed to be, gotten to work and _started working._

Jacob Peralta was a changed man. 

He crosses his arms across his chest and leans back on the counter. "Amy! Will you tell me now? When did you even get up? And how did you manage to get ready without making any noise?"

"Oh, there was noise." She huffs out a laugh. "Rey dropped her bottle on Kit's toe, and Kit screamed at her, then Rey started crying, pulled out Leo's toy from his hand to throw it at Kit, and then Leo started shrieking."

Jake shakes his head with a fond smile playing on his lips. "What!? I slept through that?" 

"Babe, you've had a tiring week, you've hardly slept four hours each night! Anyway, I got it under control pretty quickly-"

"You gave them YouTube, didn't you?" He cocks his head, giving her a knowing smile.

Amy had been pretty stubborn about not using technology to distract her kids. Then she'd gone and had three of them in a span of five years.

She still tries to stick to her principles as far as possible. 

"They were giggling together in less than thirty seconds," she hisses at him. 

He laughs. "I didn't say anything."

Amy sticks her tongue out at him. "Jake, you really don't remember, do you?"

He scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. "No babe, I honestly don't."

She squints at him. "Did you see the email from the doctor's office?"

"What? No."

"Ha! Knew it. Good that I told them to CC me."

Jake is frowning in bewilderment. "What doctor?" He gasps. "Ames, are you pregnant!?"

A panicked look crosses her features before she gathers herself. "What?! No! No, Jake, I am not pregnant, oh God, at least I hope not, no wait, I got my period last week- and hey! Because you got a vasectomy four months ago-"

"Oh, right! Damn - sorry bad week-"

"I can see that," Amy laughs.

"Wait- was it the test results from Wednesday?"

"Yes! You're officially sperm-free and shooting blanks!!"

"Awww." He says mock-sadly. "I'll miss my boys." 

Amy scoffs. She clearly doesn't miss his 'boys' at all. "Well, anytime you miss them, you can go take care of your multicellular babies, who are not in your testicles and are much louder-"

He chuckles. "Speaking of multicellular babies, where are they? I missed my Sunday cuddles with Rey!"

"Babe -" she looks at him excitedly - "I've got the 24 hours planned to the minute - Kit is going to her friend Arya's house after her math class. Rey is with your mom, they're going to Art Camp for Toddlers and Leo is with my parents, at Ben's house! We'll have to pick up Kit at 10 tomorrow, your mom is dropping off Rey in the evening, and Ben'll bring Leo over in the morning."

Jake gasps, theatrically. "So, it's a kid- free 24 hours?"

Amy does one of her weird little dances, that unfortunately his kids have begun to copy. "It's Jake and Amy's Spermless Sexy Sunday! "

He laughs, her enthusiasm is contagious. He jumps off the counter he was sitting on and kisses her, long and deep. It's been a while since it was just the two of them.

"So? Let's get started, hmmm?" He whispers into her ear. He can feel her shiver. 

"What about breakfast?" She stammers.

"Oh, I think I'll have desert first today," he winks. 

"Eww, babe." She wrinkles her nose at him, but grabs his hand and leads him to the bedroom. "Your flirting is getting worse." 

"Hey, I'm out of practice, I have many, many kids!" 

The Spermless Sexy Sunday does live up to its title, and then some. They don't leave their bed for _hours_, and it's only for food and bathroom breaks. 

_"Oh my God,_" Jake pants after Amy rolls off him after round 4? 5? He can't believe it, he's actually lost count! "Were we like, sexually repressed or something? I didn't think I would have the energy!"

Next to him, Amy's out of breath, as well. "Well, we were always stupid good at this."

"Hell yeah!" He tries to raise his hand to high-five her, but his muscles have given up. 

"High five." he says weakly.

"High five returned," Amy laughs back breathily, presumably also paralyzed.

The exhaustion doesn't last too long, and soon enough, they're at it again. 

They take a break at 4 o'clock, to FaceTime the kids, assuring them that _Mumma and Dadda love them very much_ and _can't wait for them to come home_ and _Yes, Kit, she could have Chicken nuggets for dinner, but only this once._. 

This leads to an hour of nostalgia and reminiscing, about how big the kids were getting, and how soon they'd be teenagers who banged doors and hated parents! 

6 PM finds them in the living room, drinking wine straight from the bottle(s) and watching non-Pixar movies for the first time in forever. 

Around 10 PM, after orgasms number 7 and 4 respectively, Amy fishes out a bottle of scotch they had sitting in the back of the cabinet since before Rey was born. None of them like scotch that much, but tonight they're feeling adventurous, in more areas than one. (New position discovery, y'all!! After 10 years of being together, too.) 

They put on some slow jams from the 80s, and ball-dance their way from the living room to the bedroom. The alcohol and darkening sky outside is making them sappy and they whisper sweet nothings as they twirl around on the hardwood floors, the bottle of scotch sandwiched between them. 

Then, of course, 4-drink Amy makes a comeback, and they're back to wearing each other out, until they finally fall asleep, cocooned in each others arms, skin on sweaty skin. 

Jake expects to wake up with a blinding headache but surprisingly, it's not too bad. Just a mild ache that throbs when he moves.  
_Could have been worse,_ he thinks._That scotch was old._

They must have exerted and sweat it all out. Plus, he vaguely remembers an emotional Amy (6 drink?) refusing to stop sobbing (??) until he drank a pitcher full of water, which subsequently led to him peeing buckets.

He squirms around on the bed, eyes closed, hands probing for his wife. When he can't find her, he reluctantly opens his eyes, bracing himself for the throb of pain that the onslaught of sunlight would bring. 

It wasn't that bad, the curtains were closed, and he made out a blurry image of his wife, sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to him, staring out of the window. Or rather...at the curtains. She was still undressed, having wrapped a sheet lazily around herself.

Jake smiles. _What a view_. He was the luckiest man alive. 

Inching closer to her as fast as his heavy limbs allow, he presses a kiss to her bare shoulder.  
"Good morning, honey." 

She lifts a hand to caress his cheek, and he rests his forehead against her shoulder blade, and runs his fingers up her arms. 

"What time is it?" he asks after a while, reluctantly breaking the silence and the bliss they were basking in. 

"Seven thirty," she says, glancing at the clock. "We still have a couple hours before Leo comes home."

"Let's go out for breakfast, hmm?" He wraps an arm around her. They were supposed to go out for dinner last night, but it had been put off in favour of...other things. A pizza had been ordered and no one had to dress up. Or wear clothes, for that matter.

"Good idea," she whispers, leaning back so he's supporting her weight. Neither of them make any effort to move, though, and Jake continues placing feather soft kisses on her neck and shoulders. She's rubbing his thigh, eyes closed as she gives in to the sensations. 

Then-  
"Ames?"

"Hmmm?"

"Babe, where's your ring?" 

"My - ?"

She holds her left hand up to her eyes, staring at her bare ring finger in consternation as if she could will the ring back into its rightful place.

"What!?" she exclaims, bewildered. "I...did I take it off? I don't remember taking it off...I NEVER take it off...Jake? Why would I take it off?!"  
She's panicking now. 

He squeezes her arm. "Hey- don't worry! We'll find it. It's probably around here somewhere."

He rubs circles into her back with thumbs. She's not moving, her eyes are rapidly flitting over the room like a scared animal's, as she tries to make sense of this mystery. 

"Ames. Hey- we're detectives, right? I mean, I'm a detective, you're a captain, (that does bring a small smile on her face) I mean, we're good at solving mysteries - we got this! You need to calm down, take a deep breath, okay? Then I'll interrogate you with my special skillz and we'll know what happened! Okay? You know I can get anyone to admit anything."

"I know nothing of the sort," she says softly, and he lightly nips at her earlobe. "Okay." She breathes out. "Okay, okay, I can do this."

She stands up, determined, and the sheets fall off. Jake can only stare as his wife starts pacing around the room, a steely glint in her eyes, her posture commanding and firm. 

"You can't expect me to interrogate you like that." He nods at her. "Though I would love to handcuff you to the table in the interrogation room-" 

She looks at him, and scoffs. "C'mon, you know I would be doing the handcuffing! And, Peralta, focus! We're on a case!" 

"Wow, taking the roleplay to that level, huh? Okay, I can play along."  
He puts on his best interrogation voice."Captain Santiago, sit down. And put on some clothes, you're going to get cold."

She looks at him then, properly. "Okay, first of all, your voice is super sexy but your words are really soft and that's funny and I love you."

"Awwww."

"Second, you're naked as well-  
And third, that's your perp interrogation tone, are you interrogating me as a perp or a victim or a witness?? What's our gameplay here? Did I-? "

"Ames!" He laughs, getting up and fishing out his boxers from under the bed and handing her his t-shirt. "Baby, chill. Let me do the asking, okay? What is the last time you remember seeing it?"

She puts on the t-shirt and takes out some underwear from her drawer. "Okay, so it was definitely on when I went to drop Leo...and...hey! It was on when I got that scotch because I remember my ring clinking on it and I was thinking _awwwww that's so cute._"

"Okay, good, so that was...I guess, Nine-ish?"

"I think so. What did we do after that?"

Jake makes an expression of exaggerated confusion, stroking his stubble and all. "I dazzled you with my dance moves and your ring decided it couldn't ever outshine me and melted off?"

"What? Ew."

"Okay, umm, you told me I was the only 24 carat in your life and then it melted off?"

"...Jake! Stop making the ring sentient! Give me some real solutions here!"

She collapses onto the bed, next to him.

"Okay, so we danced, then we came up here...then we're doing it." He wiggles his eyebrows at her, she rolls her eyes in response. "...oh, then, I remember you making me drink that whole jug of water 'cause you didn't want me to be hungover, maybe? - you're so adorable when you sniffle - and then before and after that, I think we were just having sex and somewhere in the middle of all of that, we fell asleep? Also, I have this weird flashback of me cutting...newspaper? D'you remember that? Did you rope me in for some binder stuff again, Ames, because, let me tell you-"

"Jake." Her voice is higher pitched than normal. 

He turns to look at her. She is staring ahead, mouth wide in disbelief. 

"Ames?"

"Jake. I think I know where my ring went..."

"Oh? Great! Wh-"

She turns her head towards him, slowly. "You ate it." 

Jake just stares at her, waiting for a 'PSYCH!' or a 'Lol jk jk'. But she continues to look at him, her face a picture of devastation and horror.

"What? No....what? No! What?!"

They're both pacing now.

She grabs onto her hair, pulling like a madman. "Yes...yes!!!! We were doing some sexy stuff and I put my hand in your mouth or maybe over your mouth...and...maybe you were, like, sucking on my fingers! And- And that's why I was crying! And making you drink water! To flush it out, apparently?!" 

Jake has buried his face in his hands, trying to remember, so hard. His face is all scrunched up with the effort of thinking, but he comes up blank. "Oh my God..."

"Oh my God..." Amy echoes.

Both of them go silent as they analyse the implications of this event. Jake ate ring. Ring in Jake's digestive tract. Ring would be pooped out...?

Amy collapses onto the bed. "Jake?!?! Gross!!"

"Hey- how am I the gross one here? You put your fingers in my mouth!" He says indignantly.

"And I think you bit me for it!" She shows him her ring finger - holds it up like she's flipping him off and there's a slight scuffle about the misunderstanding this has caused.

Jake takes her hand in his. "That's a bite mark. Yeah, it is a bite mark. I bit you."

She snatches it back, examining it closely. "God, Jake, do I have hickeys anywhere else?!" 

Jake looks at her. "Oops. Yeah...I can see...four."

"You can see _four!?_ Peralta! I'm a _police captain!!!_"

"Good for you, that uniform covers most spots." He says distractedly. He has bigger problems. Like the piece of metal that's apparently sitting in his body. God, that's scary. "Ames, what do we do now?"

She places a shaky hand on his shoulder. "We go to the doctor, get an X-ray. We get my ring out. I'll call the hospital."

She goes out of the room, but comes back in immediately. Jake watches her as she opens her cupboard and gets out her engagement ring.

"Lucky I wasn't wearing both!" She says, as she slides it on to her finger.

Amy looks up to find Jake look at her with a peculiar look. "What? My finger feels weird without a ring." 

Jake just smiles. 

He's starting to make coffee when she enters the kitchen. "I got an appointment for three o'clock today."

"Okay, good! God, Ames, I'm really hungry, can I eat?"

"Yeah, of course, you can't starve yourself....but, Jake..."

"Hm?" He looks up, mouth already full of pancake. 

"Um. You're going to have to sift through your poop till it comes out. "

He nearly choked on his pancakes, breaking into a coughing fit. _"What?? Ew!?"_ He manages to say.

Amy thumps his back, a bit harder than necessary. "Yes, baby. I want my ring back."

"You have a ring." He says weakly.

She throws him a look. "I want my ring back." She repeats.

"Even if it's been through my poop!"

She gags."God. Don't make me think about it. I'll tell the crime scene people to get me their strongest chemicals for cleaning it. But I want my ring!"

"Fine, Gollum," he huffs. 

She's not amused enough to laugh. 

Dr. Batra holds up the X-ray to the white viewing board, squinting at it and turning it from side to side.  
Jake wonders why he's looking at it so intently - even Jake can see the ring, outlined as clear as day, somewhere in the middle of his tummy?- he's not so great at anatomy. 

Beside him, Amy is staring at it, just as keenly. So are the three medical students, one surgical resident, two nurses and two of his kids.

It's a bit embarrassing.

God, he hopes the doctor doesn't ask them to explain how it got there. That is a conversation he's NOT willing to have. 

Dr. Batra puts down the X-ray and looks at him, his expression slightly quizzical.

"We were drunk..." Jake says sheepishly, as softly as he can, throwing a hasty glace at his daughter to make sure she didn't hear. 

The doctor just holds up a hand. "I understand, this is nowhere near the craziest thing I've seen on an X-ray."

"It isn't? Well, but it's up there right? I mean-"

"Jake! It's not a competition!" Amy hisses, rubbing a hand down Leo's back to soothe him.

Dr. Batra raises his eyebrows in amusement, at the very attractive couple in front of him. "Don't worry, Detective. There don't seem to be any signs of obstuction, most likely it will easily pass through your stools in a few days, keep a lookout, and eat your fiber!"

The next two days pass in a flurry of anticipation. Every time Jake gets up to go to the bathroom, Amy looks up hopefully and when he comes out, he's met with an expectant look. 

"I was just peeing!" He snaps at her the fourth time this happens. 

"Okay..." she sighs, and goes back to her crossword. 

On Tuesday, Jake calls Amy to tell her he'd be home early.  
"And I'll make dinner, chicken okay?"  
"Yes, that'll be great! Also, don't forget to get some salad, for the-"

"- fiber, yes babe, I remember." He rolls his eyes.

"So...how was work today?"

"Good, I was out at the crime scene for the most of the day, so now I just want to take a shower and-" 

"Did you poop?" 

"What- Ames?" 

"I said, did you poop?"

"Yeah, no, I heard you the first time! You don't care about my day at all!" He cries.

"Of course I care! That's why I asked if you pooped! Pooping is healthy." 

"Bye, Ames."

"Wait- you didn't answer the question - hello? Jake? Jake!"

He's hung up.


	2. Pizzas and Petals

On Wednesday, Jake opens the door to a pile of pizza boxes and paper bags filled with what seem to be juice bottles and soda cans, and Amy's purse.

His wife must be under there somewhere. 

"Look, the pizza walked itself over!" Jake jokes, as he awkwardly tries to grab something to help Amy - but he's carrying Leo on one hip - she's swaying on her feet, trying to maintain balance. The topmost box teethers dangerously on the edge. 

"Ames, Ames, let me help you- hold still."

"Okay," comes a muffled sound from behind all the cardboard. 

The six other kids Jake had been babysitting all run out into the living room. 

"Tia Amy, did you get the ice cream?"  
"Did you remember the extra cheese?"  
"Mummy! Look what I made- "  
"Hey! Where's the orange soda?"

The last one is Jake. Amy throws her husband a look before setting down the remaining boxes on the coffee table and cracking her knuckles. It had been a long day.

Since becoming Captain, she did had much better working hours- 9 to 5, 5 days a week, sometimes Saturdays, if necessary. But today was a training session for new recruits, and Amy had been at the precinct since 7 AM. Luckily, Jake got Wednesdays off, and it was their turn to take care of the Brooklyn Santiago clan, which included Benjamin's kids Matthew and Myra and Christian's kids Erica and Anica, not to mention the three Peralta monsters. 

Said children were now swarming around the pizza boxes, laughing and arguing as they tried to find the one with the least vegetable toppings. (Amy did try to be sneaky, but in vain.)

The adults watch them with tired smiles. 

Suddenly, Jake pulls on her hand. "Hey- come upstairs for a bit."

"What? Why? Let's have dinner first, it's already seven, Chris will be here soon - "

"Umm, but-" Jake dithers in place for a few seconds, clearly conflicted. Leo holds out his arms to Amy. 

"Hi, baby!" She cooes, kissing him all over and bouncing him lightly. Jake is in deep thought. 

"Jake? What is it?" 

"Don't worry, it can wait till after dinner. "

She smiles at him. "Okay, cool. Let's go get some plates then?"

He follows her to the kitchen, but as he rummages through the drawers for cutlery, Amy can see all the signs of An Excited Jake : slightly manic expression, curls sticking up, biting his lip, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he moves.

"You know what, just tell me!" She says, flinching as Leo gets a good grip on her ponytail. 

"What?" He says, trying to be nonchalant, but he can't hide his excitement. 

"Tell me! What you wanted to say-"

A few seconds of silence in which Jake pretends to think -  
(Of course he can't hold it in.)  
"I found the ring."

He beams at her, as she gasps, clapping a hand over her heart. 

"Really? You found it?"

Neither of them pay any heed to what 'found it' essentially means.  
He pulls the ring out of his pocket and holds it out in his outstretched palm. It's warm, because he's boiled it in water for half an hour, after soaking it in antiseptic for 3 hours and even calling up Jason from CSI to ask about more deep cleaning techniques.

She squeals in excitement as she shifts Leo to her right hip to extend her left hand. 

He's holding it between his thumb and pointer, ready to drop it into her palm.

"Hey!" She chides. "Is this how you give a girl a ring? Put it on my finger, don't just casually hand it over." She's teasing him but her voice is high pitched, so happy is she to have her ring back. 

She'd gone to work without her engagement ring, and she'd been asked three times in the last two days about her bare finger. It was stupid of her, she knew, but the 'are- you -getting- a-divorce -look' in people's eyes freaked her out and took her morbid imagination to places she never wanted it to go. 

"Oh, alright." He sighs, making a big show of getting down on his knees, contorting his face in exaggerated pain when his joints crack. "I hope you are happy, making an old man get on his tired knees."

"The old man didn't seem to have a problem when we were in the shower last night!" She retorts, winking and pretending to cover Leo's ears. Jake winks back and bites his lip. He takes a deep breath and begins.

"Alright, here goes- but don't be too excited, I haven't written anything down." He warns in a grave tone.

"The best kind." she quips.

He grins, no doubt also remembering his unscripted original proposal. And his wedding vows. And her wedding vows. 

"Ames, sweetheart, here I kneel before you - a humble man with a simple ring - but appearances are deceptive! The ring may be plain, but it, and I, have been on such adventures together, so that we might be worthy of you - should you choose to wear it."

It's so stupid that Amy wants to cry. Yes, that's why she wants to cry. She's not feeling overly sentimental or in-love or anything. 

"After the ring was recovered from the dark abyss where it was thought to be long gone, I, a brave explorer, with no weapons except a clothespin on my nose- "

"Wow- are you proposing?"

Myra has strolled into the kitchen, wondering why the adults have abandoned the starving kids. The recently-turned-thirteen year old is 'too cool for sappy stuff' and is displeased to find out they have been doing this rather than eating pizza. _Losers._

Her loud question causes the rest of the gang to rush in. Erica, who's just read the abridged version of Pride and Prejudice (maybe she was Amy's favourite niece, so what?) was all about love and romance these days. She clapped her hands - "Oh my God!"

They're all rushing over trying to see the ring.

"No! It's only- I mean, Tio Jake just found my ring - it was lost -"

"And you decided to propose again? Awwww!!" Erica squealed, jumping up and down.

"Awwww," parroted four other tiny voices. (Rey, at three, was still a bit confused.)

So was Kit. "What does propose mean?" She asked, looking from parent to parent.

"It means they're getting married!" Anica giggles.

"It means there's going to be a wedding!" Matthew says, grinning. 

"I thought you are already married!" Kit says again, consternation clear on her tiny face. 

Jake and Amy hasten to reassure her. "We are, baby, we are, this is just- "

Suddenly, there's a gasp from amongst all the dark heads. "Tia Amy!! Let's throw you guys a make - believe wedding!" Erica exclaims, at which Anica and Matthew eagerly start nodding.

"What?" Jake laughs, nervously.

"Ew." Says Myra.

But the other kids are beyond excited, hunger forgotten as plans are being made furiously and animatedly.

"I'm going to be the best man!" Matthew says. "Rey, you can be the flower girl! Ani, you and Erica are the bridesmaids-"

This is how, less then fifteen minutes later, Amy finds herself cornered in their bedroom by a couple of overenthusiastic ten year olds, forcing her to look for a wedding dress in her cupboard. 

"I don't have a white dress." She explains, patiently. She remembers her own wedding dress, all lace flowers and mesh panels with a sweetheart neckline, that she never got to wear.

"Then anything white!" Anica puts her hands on her hips, uncannily resembling Camilla Santiago.

"I really don't," Amy hurriedly scans her wardrobe. Most of her clothes are flowery tops and flowery sundresses and wow- she has a lot of floral outfits. 

"What about that!" Erica points to the Feeding Dress.

"No!" Amy laughs.

The Feeding Dress was what the household called a loose, soft, once- upon- a- time -white, A-line, maternity dress that Amy had bought while pregnant with Kit. It had basically been the only clothing she wore for the first 8 weeks after Kit was born. It had buttons down the front for easy access, it fit her perfectly and it was so soft that all activities were comfortable - from sleeping to walking around the apartment in the dead of the night with an inconsolable infant.

The dress came out after the birth of the other two kids as well, and Amy still slipped it on after her nightly shower before she nursed Leo to sleep. 

Needless to say, it was pretty ugly.  
It had faced the vomit, pee and poop of three kids, and one occasion, amniotic fluid and another occasion, Jake's blood as he slipped over said fluid and hit his nose on the bathtub. That had been an eventful night.

Amy couldn't bear to throw the dress away...  
...and if she was getting married again, what better choice than an item that had been through all the sleepless nights and exhausting days with her?

The constant pulling at the buttons and straps had made them come loose and baggy, and it really wasn't decent enough to wear in public anymore, so Amy casts around and pulls a white t-shirt of Jake's from the laundry and puts it on, over the dress.  
"There!"

She grins at the girls. They're clearly questioning her sense of style, but they go with it.

Anica hands her a bunch of flowers she's cut from newspaper.  
"Now you're ready!"

A few rooms over, Jake is refusing to put on a suit."No, kids. No!" 

"But you have to!" Kit wails. Her older cousins have given her one job, and it's to put her father in a wedding tux. She doesn't want to fail them - an Amy trait for sure.

"See - I have black pants-" he points to the black sweats he's been wearing all day. "I'll put on a white shirt and then I can wear a - ooh, my leather jacket is black! I'll wear that."

"What about a tie? "Matthew asks, arms crossed. 

Jake squints his eyes at him." I'm not wearing a tie, Captain Holt."

"What?"

"What?" Jake repeats back at him, crossing his arms.

"Here- " Myra gets up from the edge of the bed where she'd been Snapchatting her friends about the utter ridiculousness her cousins were forcing her to go through. " - I have a black ribbon, just tie it around your neck like a bow tie- "

"I thought you were 'so freaking bored' based on your Snapchat caption- "

Myra narrows her eyes at him  
"Hey! Were you shoulder surfing?"

Jake had taught her that. He feels a twinge of pride, despite it being used against him. 

"Well, you should have used a smaller font." He shrugs. 

She looks enraged, and rightly so.

Jake gives her a sheepish smile. "Sorry- I shouldn't have read it. But it was a picture of me, so- "

"It's fine. You're lucky I think you're cool."

She marches out of the room.

Matthew has turned on the music player in the living room. Taylor Swift's newest album is playing. All the kids know _all_ the songs- Jake's fault. ("My _triumph!" _He claims.) 

Anica and Erica bring Amy out, instructing her to walk behind them. 

Matthew leads the way for Jake, his chest puffing out self- importantly. 

Kit is holding Rey's hand, trying to coach her to walk in step with the Wedding March for when they'll walk their mother down the aisle.

Leo is in Jake's arms, and Jake ruffles his hair before putting him down in his playpen, at Jake's feet. 

"We've gotten married at a police precinct, so outside a playpen shouldn't be too weird," Jake says to Leo solemnly.

He straightens up just as Amy enters the room. Her stance is casual, her walk more of a stroll, but her eyes, her big, brown, expressive eyes betray her.

They're gleaming, full of mirth, and she grins widely at him. Jake feels his lips moving to mirror her expression and a shudder goes through him as he takes in the scene before him. _He's getting married._


	3. And Stars That Never Settle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF ALERTTTTTT  
SWEETNESS GALORE  
2 CUTE 2 CARE

Her hair is still in the captain-y no- nonsense bun that her hands can build in her sleep. A few strands have come loose and are sticking up unceremoniously.   
Her lipstick is faded and she's wearing the white tee he wore to buy diapers, this morning. The dress hangs loosely around her hips and legs, up to mid calf.   
Her feet are bare.  
The nail paint on her toes is chipping. 

She's a fucking _vision._

His sweatpants have various stains (food, snot, paint - you name it) on them, the side effect of not being around adults for an entire day.   
His shirt is more cream-coloured than pure white. There's a green splotch on the collar which Amy remembers is when she threw up pea soup on him at her brother's wedding when she was pregnant with Leo, she can't believe Jake has still kept the shirt. He never even wears it anymore. She remembers how he held her hair back and told her he was used to pretty girls throwing up on him now.   
Of course, he's got on his leather jacket, a remnant of his academy days. (Thank God he's shed his spikes and baggy jeans from the same era.) He loves it, has bought ridiculously expensive, matching ones for the kids, even though they'll grow out of them in a year.   
And for her as well, she remembers with a blush.

He's not barefoot, wearing his 8 year old AirJordan's that only stay in the closet, because they cost 700 fucking dollars. One of Amy's greatest desires is to sell them at like, a 400 percent profit. 

He's _ridiculously _ handsome.

She's looking at him like he's the one who invented the concept of binders.

He's looking at her like she's the one who wrote the script for Die Hard.

She's looking at him with a look that has love and trust, but also recognition. She's known him for more than sixteen years at this point. 

He looks at her with longing and tenderness, just like when she walked down the aisle for the first time. But there's something more in that gaze now, the something that comes, not just from loving someone, but from _knowing_ them, from building an entire life with them.__

_ _Something that comes not only from getting married and living together, but something that comes from buying groceries together and staying up at night as all three kids come down with the flu and they're too tired to even talk to each other, but the sheer presence of the other is all they need._ _

_ _She thinks of the last five years, how he's changed, but not really. He can now change diapers at the speed of light, and he caps the milk before putting it back into the fridge, and he doesn't buy as many gummy worms anymore, because cavities in kids is a real problem, folks. But he's Jake. He still manages to make her laugh even when she just wants to _just sleep for a while, God, please_. Still knows how to give fantastic back rubs, still makes Title Of Your Sex Tape jokes, just not around the kids.  
Still wears her out every night. (Okay, well, not every night. Once in a week. Twice, if they're lucky and the babysitter doesn't bail, and the kids sleep through the night.)_ _

__ _He's still the Jake who knew where to find her when Holt was transferred to PR, the same Jake who said _"your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet"_, the same Jake who urged her to be a sergeant, helped her to study for the lieutenant's exam when she was heavily pregnant and just wanted to give up and clapped with tears in his eyes when she made Captain. The Jake who convinced her she was too good to be afraid to follow her dreams.   
The Jake she fell in love with, the man who is now her entire life.   
Her Jake._

_ _He thinks of the last 10 years, going from realizing he liked Amy, to realizing he loved Amy, to realizing that she was _it_ for him- his end-all-be-all. He thinks of how she's grown, how she's powered through all the crappy racism and sexism to be the youngest female captain in NYPD history, all whilst juggling a family and a propensity for panic attacks. She's come into her element, from a mentee to a mentor. She's more sure of herself, more confident. But she's still Amy, can't stand to be more than 3 minutes late, still grabs his arm when she's worried or cold or tired, still offers to be big spoon every night._ _

__ _She's the same Amy who stood by his side when he investigated Lucas Wint, the same Amy who waited for him through 6 months in WitSec, through 2 months in prison, who told him to screw light and breezy. The one who agreed to marry him in a dumpster, if it came to that._  
She's seen all of his fears, his moping, his temper tantrums when nothing was going his way, and she was always there for him.   
The Amy who taught him what love is, who loved him with such fervour that made him feel whole and unbroken, who had faith in him when even he couldn't trust himself, who kissed his worries away and gave him back his mojo.   
His Amy. 

_ _They're both blinking back tears and biting their lips lest a sniffle spill out. The mood in the room has shifted, from light hearted and make-believe-gamey to deep and romantic and real. _Oh, so real. __ _

_ _It was supposed to be a Wednesday, a normal Wednesday- they were supposed to put the kids to bed and then crash themselves, the most exciting thing to happen would maybe be a kiss that had more than a little bit of tongue. _ _

_ _Instead, they found themselves paralyzed, hypnotised, staring at each other with too-wide eyes, surrounded by noisy children, words stuck to their teeth like sticky toffee. _ _

_ _Jake was breathless. Amy was light-headed. _ _

_ _Objectively, he knew he would basically love Amy forever and ever. But to have the force of that realization suddenly crash down on him, felt like that runaway perp who had pushed a fruit cart right into Jake's chest, in the way that he struggled to breathe and his heart sped up and he couldn't think. In a good way, of course. _ _

_ _And then Amy was looking at him, like - like that and words suddenly had no meaning, for what could he possibly say that could encompass all that he was feeling? _ _

_ _"Dadda! Dadda!!"_ _

_ _An insistent high-pitched shriek brought them back to earth, to their living room currently littered with newspaper bits and glue bottles and crayons. _ _

_ _"Tio Jake- you stand here, and then Kit and Rey, you two -"_ _

_ _Erica's meticulous planning fades into gibberish in his ears when he looks into Amy's eyes again. She gives him an amused look, that says, _what can you do_, and he mouths _'I'm hungry_' and she laughs, rolling her eyes and pursing her lips. _ _

_ _"...mama, mama! Did you listen?"_ _

_ _"I'm sorry, darling, what?"   
She tears her eyes off Jake to look at her oldest daughter pouting at her. _ _

_ _"Me and Rainy will walk you to dadda, and - "_ _

_ _"Rainy and I." Amy corrects, without paying too much attention. She was looking at Jake again. _ _

_ _Kit goes on, undeterred. "And then you say the vows, and then you'll be married!" _ _

_ _"Do we get to go on a honeymoon?" Jake wiggles his eyebrows suggestively._ _

_ _"What's a honeymoon?" Kit scrunches up her nose._ _

_ _"It's a very fun vacation where you can consummate the marriage." Myra sniggers, before Amy can say anything._ _

_ _"What is commusnate?" Kit looks to Amy again._ _

_ _Jake intervenes, trying to tamp down his laughter. "Alright kids, let's get on with this!"_ _

_ _Amy's daughters take their positions next to her._ _

_ _Jake is holding Amy's ring, which Anica notices at the last moment and makes Jake take his off, to give to Amy._ _

_ _"You're right," he says, frowning. "It does feel weird." _ _

_ _Amy nods fervently. _ _

_ _Anica and Matthew are on one side of the 'aisle', Erica and Myra are on another. Leo is crawling around on the ground at Jake's feet. He claws at Jake's pants and Jake picks him, kissing him on his cheek as he leans forward to play with the 'bowtie' on Jake's neck._ _

_ _Matty starts the Wedding March on his phone, and Kit pulls Amy forward. She earnestly tries to get Amy and Rey to match footfalls with her, but Amy is fixated on the goal rather than the journey, and Reyna is trying her hardest, but she's barely out if her toddlerhood and is just learning coordination._ _

_ _Kitkat (as Amy calls her) a.k.a. Katherrrrr (as Jake calls her) a.k.a. Eldest Daughter of the Santiago - Peraltas, is not pleased, and she drops Amy off at the end of the aisle like she's preparing to say, "One more time, we'll try harder-" but Jake knows that look on his daughter, it mirrors that of his wife when her first batch of pancake batter is ruined._ _

_ _He's a trained negotiator, and honestly, he's used his skills more on his kids rather than actual hostage-takers._ _

_ _He grabs Amy's forearm and pulls her towards him with a loud, "Let's start the vowing and all, shall we?"_ _

_ _Amy gives him a confused look and he replies with the universal 'Go with it or the kid will cry' look that every parent has mastered._ _

_ _Leo puts the free end of the bow in his mouth, and Jake sets him down again. Myra sits down and pulls him into her lap. _ _

_ _There's a sudden silence as the sentimental tones of violins die down. The kids are looking at them with bated breaths, and Jake has never been one to shy down from putting on a show._ _

_ _Tonight, though, he's at a loss. _ _

_ _"Errmmm," he begins. _ _

_ _" 'Ermm?' Nice way to start your marriage, Peralta," Amy teases. _ _

_ _Aah. Familiar territory. _ _

_ _He takes her hands in his own, feeling a pang when he can't feel the ring he's so used to, digging into his palm. _ _

_ _"You go first this time," he says. _ _

_ _

_ _The 'vows' are messy and hurried, nothing like their actual wedding. It's not that they can't think of anything to say- it's more like Jake and Amy have been reduced to sappy, emotional messes and want to get this over with, before they start full-on bawling in front of the kids. Who knew that swallowing a wedding ring would lead them to this?_ _

_ _Amy laughs nervously and tucks a stray strand behind her ear. _ _

_ _"Okay. So, you know how at work, I have to do appraisals and evaluations, all that stuff?"_ _

_ _"Are you doing an appraisal of our marriage?" He asks, laughing. _ _

_ _Amy shrugs. "Transferrable job skills, amirite?" _ _

_ _He guffaws in reponse. In general, he's the 'joker' and she's the 'laugher' in their relationship, but God, doesn't she love it when she can make him belly-laugh like that. _ _

_ _"Jake, I think we've done well, in these 8 years and 2 months of marriage. I love you, so much. When I'm worked up, you help me calm down, but never tell me to "just calm down!" When I thought that I couldn't do this, I couldn't have a family and a job, you stepped up like a like a freaking hero and pushed me, made me believe in myself. I'm so grateful to have you. And yeah, life's a little hectic now, but it's never overwhelming. Not when I know you have my back. And the conclusion is: Jake, you are and always have been the right person for me. I wouldn't have been able to do this without you._ _

_ _I grew up having to share everything, and all my life, I longed to have something that I could call mine, just mine, and you have given me just that.  
I love you and I love being married to you."_ _

_ _She squeezes his hands as a signal that she's done. There's plenty more she'd like to say, but the tears have made their presence known on her face and her throat is aching and her voice is quivering. Her smile is blinding. _ _

_ _Jake responds with a beam of similar wattage._ _

_ _"So what's the grade, ma'am? Hope we got an A?"_ _

_ _"Plus," she whispers, through her closed up throat, and Jake squeezes her hands in response. _ _

_ _"Ames, I- I love you. I tell you this everyday and will continue to do so, through all our crazy days. 8 years and 2 months, was it?-" _ _

_ _Amy answer with a smile, "and 12 days." _ _

_ _"-And 12 days later, I can confirm that every day with you is crazy. Not one day of peace and quiet, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Because no one has made me feel at peace like you have. When I was younger, I thought I was better than the suckers with families and moms and dads and wives and kids. But it's all I longed for, and I never I thought I'd have it. You showed me I could have this, and so much more. I love you, and thank you for always remembering to buy me orange soda each time you buy pizza."_ _

_ _"And yet you think I've forgotten every time," Amy responds with a thick voice._ _

_ _"I know your thoughts about orange soda, Ames."_ _

_ _"Well, can you blame me? Oh, I almost forgot! The dentists' office called, your root canal has been moved to Monday." Myra giggles somewhere in the distance._ _

_ _Jake scowls. He hates the dentist, to nobody's surprise. "We're in the middle of our wedding, babe!"_ _

_ _Amy gives him a mischievous smile. "I love you, Jake.Your butt is still the bomb."_ _

_ _He rubs his thumbs over the back of her hands, slowly, soothingly. "And you'll always be my dream girl."_ _

_ _"You may kiss the bride," she whispers, eyes glued to his face._ _

_ _He laughs and pulls her in, giving in to the taste and feel of her lips on his._ _

_ _His hands are around his neck, hers on his face, shielding their faces from the kids, who are cheering (Anica and Erica) or gagging and protesting (Myra, Matthew, Kit)._ _

_ _They break apart, Amy giggling as she's tries to stop Jake from licking the tears off of her cheeks. She knows he's just trying to stall so the kids don't see him crying. _ _

_ _"So...pizza?" _ _

_ _

_ _

_ _Three hours later, they're lying on the bed. Amy's legs are thrown over Jake's and she's tracing the freckles on his arm that is lying on her stomach. They're still in the post- wedding haze, the only reason the aren't asleep and snoring yet. _ _

_ _"I would let you swallow a thousand rings and poop them out and still wear them again." Amy declares. (Not very loudly, it took them longer than usual to put the kids to sleep.)_ _

_ _"Awwwww! I would swallow a thousand rings for you! Not at the same time though, because I don't think we can afford a thousand platinum bands. Also that might be unhealthy, and _definitely_ the strangest thing Dr. Batra would see on an X-ray." _ _

_ _Amy pinches his arm and rolls her eyes. "Not a competition, Jake, shut up!"_ _

_ _"Or what? You'll force-feed me pure metal?"_ _

_ _That makes her giggle. "I love you, you friggin' idiot."_ _

_ _"I love you, poop-jewellery lover."_ _

_ _"We aren't getting past that, are we?"_ _

_ _"Nahhh. It's going in the family book. The book we'll read when we're dying, and your heart doesn't beat like it should, and my brain is all addled, until we die in the same room at the same time."_ _

_ _"...And you came up with this fantasy yourself?"_ _

_ _"Uh, doy! What, you think I got it from a movie or something? Pshhaww."_ _

_ _"Hmm, sure, sure, but _you're_ going to be the one with the sick heart, if your diet of jellied sugar and brightly coloured soda is anything to go by."_ _

_ _"But- Ames! That'll mean you're brain is fried! How could you do that to yourself, your brain is your asset, the treasure of this house!"_ _

_ _"And yet that means nothing if I don't get to to have you," she says, in a sudden bout of seriousness and sincerity, that nearly shocks Jake into silence. _ _

_ _ _"...Ames-"_ _ _

_ _"Jake, I mean it, okay? You take care of me, of the babies, of your mom - you should take care of yourself, too. At least, let me take care of you."_ _

_ _He brings her hand to his lips."Okay, babe."_ _

_ _She turns on her side and flings her arm around his shoulders to pull him in for a kiss. They pull back slowly, his hand running up and down her back._ _

_ _"So, I should eat healthier, no? Make some changes in the ol' diet, and whatnot. What do you think about that infinity necklace of yours- gold, right? -"_ _

_ _It takes Amy a while to get it. She slaps him on the chest. "EW! Jake! Leave my jewellery alone!" _ _

_ _But she's laughing and then he's laughing and then they're making out again._ _

_ _Needless to say, they don't fall asleep any time soon._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading my very self-indulgent fic!!  
Origin story, for those of you who wondered if I was bonkers: one night, I was feeling pretty stressed out because I had a test and 2 assignments due the next day, so naturally I spent the evening reading stupid articles on buzzfeed, one of which was "Crazy things that happened during sex" or something like that. And yeah. That is where I got the idea for this fic. Since I had so much to do, I didn't do any of it and instead wrote a fic, because fuck productivity! :D  
Anyway, thanks again, I hope you were as entertained as I was by the idea of Jake and Amy having crazy days a bajillion years into their relationship. God, I love these two. 
> 
> Also, here's something about the original characters, because I couldn't figure out a way to fit it into the story without turning it into a chapter book:
> 
> Katherina Lily, aged 5 years and 7 months, has already started reading Harry Potter on her own. Very recently lost her front tooth. Jake made a big show of eating it when it fell off and all the girls screamed. Yes, including Amy.  
Nicknames: Yes. What were Jake and Amy thinking, giving her such a long-ass name? No one calls her that. 
> 
> Reyna Amelia, aged 3 years and 4 months, has inherited her dad's wild, untameable curls but not his nose. She was born premature and has to wear glasses, and Jake has taken to wearing glasses all the time at home, so she wouldn't be alone. 
> 
> Leo Jacob, aged 10 months, looks so much like Jake that Karen has taken to calling him 'Jakey' or even 'Pineapples.' Amy loves it, Jake pretends he doesn't care, but secretly adores it. Amy knows this. 
> 
> Erica and Anica Santiago, twins, aged 10 years. Amy is their godmother and on her days off, teaches them math and feminism.
> 
> Matthew Santiago, aged 11 years. Is just into make- believe as his cousin sisters. Amy worries that puberty is going to take that innocence away from him. 
> 
> Myra Santiago, 13 years. Looks a lot like Amy, but their personalities are pretty opposite, apart from the classic Santiago traits of Stubborness and Anxiety. Amy and Jake are the only ones she's come out to, a fact they consider a priviledge and one that Amy can't wait to hold over her brother's head whenever Myra will come out to him. ("You will NOT!" Jake says. "Fine, whatever!" Amy replies.) 
> 
> Dr. Batra, aged- probably 50s? The weirdest thing he's seen on an X-ray is a beer can shoved up a 23 year old's anus. He's also seen cutlery, an assortment of sex toys, and even a gun. Coins and rings are trivial, everyday matters. Maybe it's time to retire?


End file.
